


you are the wish my heart makes

by something1d



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cancer, Character Death, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Oh My God, no regrets, what is my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2017-12-23 16:03:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/something1d/pseuds/something1d
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is Louis’ escape, the only one who's strong enough for Louis to lean on. But Louis only seems to end up finding himself with Harry when he’s asleep. He is, quite literally, the boy of Louis’ dreams.</p><p>or,</p><p>Louis is in the dark and Harry is the light that guides him home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Clearly, I have way too much time on my hands.
> 
> Huge thanks to Maddy for beta-ing.
> 
> Enjoy x
> 
> Copyright © 2013 by something1d, all rights reserved.

_Infinity._  
What an arrogant thing  
to believe we have.  
How audacious to think  
anything can be forever.  
It can't.  
~m.p. 

****

Harry exists in Louis' dreams.

When Louis slips out of consciousness, out of a reality that's too much for one person to handle, out of a seemingly never-ending cycle of sadness and fear, he falls into Harry's protective arms; the arms that shield him from pain and wrong, the arms that take it all away for a few hours, the arms that he can only feel around him in his sleep.

Sometimes they're in London. Other times they wind up in Paris, or Venice, and one time even in Vienna. Sometimes he doesn't know where he is exactly, sometimes they just end up on a couch somewhere, bundled in blankets and warmth. Sometimes they're out on a walk, sometimes they just sit together on a park bench and listen to the birds and the air and everything that surrounds them. Most of the time though, no matter where they are or what they're doing, they just talk. 

Harry helps. When Louis' feeling particularly stressed, when Zayn relapses and Louis has to watch him suffer and fall apart, when it seems that everything is crumbling to pieces around him, he always has Harry.

He talks to Harry about things, in this other world he visits in his sleep. Harry listens. Harry comforts. Harry heals.

****

Louis stays at the hospital a lot.

Zayn sleeps most of the time, but Louis is always there when he wakes up. He smiles at Louis, puts on a happy façade, never once brings any of it up. Louis sees right through him.

Liam and Niall come to visit too, when they can. Zayn is awake when they arrive, and they stay for a few hours. Neither of them spend as much time there as Louis does, but he can't blame them. They have their own families and their own lives to worry about.

Louis doesn't have a family anymore, except Zayn. Zayn is nearly all he has, Zayn is his brother, the father he never had, his closest friend.

Louis watches him fade every day and his heart hurts.

****

Harry is beautiful. He is the sun, the light, the personification of anything and everything that shines. Harry is all golden brown curls and bright eyes and all that is good in the world. He is everything that Louis wants to have and is simultaneously everything Louis wants to be. 

He visits Louis that night like he has every night for months, after Louis drifts off on the hard hospital pullout bed. This time they're in a grassy field, empty except for the two of them. They're lying on their backs, gazing up at the swirls of stardust in the sky.

"You know, I used to be afraid of this."

Harry turns to face Louis, looking confused. "Afraid of what?"

"Afraid of seeing you, in my dreams. I, like, thought I was going insane. Cause, this is all so vivid and all, and I just feel like you're real. And, before, I guess I had started to rely on you without even knowing it. I used to get so upset when I'd wake up and realize that you're a dream; I used to hate that you were only with me in my head, at night, and not like, an actual person in my life."

Harry turns back to face the sky, eyes glittering in the starlight. He doesn't say anything. Louis continues.

"But then, I stopped worrying and like. Stopped thinking about why I always see you every night and stopped questioning my sanity and just started looking forward to you visiting, I guess, because there are a lot worse things going on in my life right now than me talking to you in my dreams every night. And, even if I am crazy, I don't mind this, with you. I mean, you basically are like an actual person to me now. And, I stopped getting upset after waking up every day, because I knew I'd always see you the next night, and that you weren't going to leave me and that it'd be okay." He chuckles half-heartedly after finishing his sentence, fighting the tears prickling in his eyes.

Harry just reaches over to gently tangle his fingers with Louis', and gives his hand a soft squeeze. 

Somehow, that alone is enough.

****

"I love you Louis."

Louis looks up from his book, seeing Zayn crumpled in the hospital bed in front of him. His favorite red beanie covers his bald head and his jumper swallows his skinny body up in such a way that it looks like he's swimming in the material. Pain sears through Louis' body. "Don't ever forget that." Zayn's voice is quiet, scratchy.

"You're awake," is all that Louis can say, when all he's thinking is _not yet, please don't say things like that right now, don't be saying goodbye already._

Zayn just looks at him with an expression that shatters Louis' heart.

"Do you need anything babe? Pain medication?"

"Louis," Zayn says, almost pleadingly.

"Are you hungry, maybe?" Louis continues, as if Zayn hadn't spoken. "Do you want me to bring you something to eat?"

"Louis, please," Zayn says again, voice cracking. Louis doesn't say a word.

Silence. Then, "Come here," Zayn almost whispers, holding a hand out to Louis, and who is Louis to say no?

He slowly makes his way over to Zayn from the plastic chair he had been sitting in all morning, and sits on the corner of Zayn's bed. He still says nothing.

Zayn holds his hand out to Louis again, and Louis takes it. It's light and feels oh so fragile in Louis' grip, like it's made of paper-thin glass. 

They sit there like that for a long while. Could've been minutes, could've been hours. Louis doesn't keep track.

Then, Zayn squeezes his hand with all the energy he can muster. Even so, he can barely apply any pressure; it feels like someone's merely tickling Louis' hand with a feather. Louis looks up at his friend, straight into his eyes. Zayn's beautiful hazels are shimmery, swimming under the current of crystal tears welling up over them. Louis can practically feel his own heart breaking, can feel Zayn's fear pulsing through his veins through their joined hands, but can't break the contact, can't look away. 

"I really do, Lou," Zayn says in a broken voice. "I love you so much, you're-you're like the brother I've always wanted and I just want you to know that no matter what happens-"

"Don't," Louis interrupts in a much harsher tone than he means to. 

Zayn flinches, and drops Louis' hand, bringing his own back to rest in his lap. He breaks their gaze, looking down at his hands. There's a small, shiny droplet hanging off of his eyelashes, or, what's left of them, after all the chemo.

Louis bites his lip, trying to stop the rush of tears building up in his eyelids, trying to stop the wave of guilt about to consume him. He leans forward to gently press a kiss to Zayn's forehead, muttering, "I've always loved you, Zayn, you know that. You're the most amazing friend I could've ever asked for," before getting up quickly and exiting the room.

He spends the next three hours in a stall in the men's room, curled up into a ball on the toilet seat and trying his hardest not to break.

****

That night, him and Harry are in a place of darkness, where Harry is the only light. Louis sobs into Harry's chest, and Harry doesn't say a word. Him holding Louis is enough.

****

The next day, Zayn is better.

He sleeps less, he has more energy, he eats more. His eyes sparkle and his voice is louder than a quiet mumble. He laughs and jokes around. He asks Louis to call Niall and Liam to come round, and they do. The four of them spend the day playing cards and having a good laugh, and things almost feel like they could be normal again someday.

Almost.

And yes, Louis tells himself not to hope, but that doesn't stop a small ember of it from flickering to life in Louis' heart.

****

Louis tells Harry about his childhood. He tells Harry about his primary school days, when he and Zayn would play pranks on their sisters and would have water balloon fights and biscuit eating contests. He tells Harry about a time before the war within Zayn's body began, before he was told that Zayn's chances of winning the battle were slim to none.

Harry listens. Harry's there. And that's all Louis can ask for.

****

Things take a turn for the worse. 

Louis is reading his book when he hears a strangled choking noise coming from the bed. Heat rushes through his body; blind panic consumes him. He jumps up and hits the call button above Zayn, unable to say or do anything else.

Immediately, nurses rush in, hovering around Louis and Zayn and throwing out medical jargon here and there that Louis has no hope of understanding. All Louis cares about doing is keeping a tight hold of Zayn's hand. He won't let go.

****

Precisely one hour later, Zayn is looking as frail as ever in the hospital bed, all sweaty and thin, his skin so pale it almost looks gray.

Yes, he's weaker than he's ever been, but he's (somehow) alive. Louis is so relieved that his legs give out, and he very nearly crumples to the ground in a puddle of his own happy tears, sending silent prayers of thanks to a god he's not even sure he believes in. 

Zayn just smiles at him weakly, oxygen tubes in his nose, and gives him a small thumbs up, trying to act as if he hadn't just been on the brink of death mere minutes ago. 

Louis turns his back to him, screws his eyes shut and cries.

****

"I can't go on like this," he tells Harry. Harry just looks into his eyes, expression unwavering and pity-less (which is something that Louis is infinitely grateful for) and pats the spot on the couch next to him. Louis scuttles over and sits, crossing his legs and fiddling with his fingers in his lap. "I can't just keep waiting for something terrible to happen to him."

After a few seconds of silence, Harry leans over to brush the tops of Louis' fingers with his own. Louis looks up at where Harry's eyes are shining and green and supportive. "I think," he says slowly, "that you're going about it all wrong."

Louis' eyebrows furrow in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Your attitude about this whole thing," Harry says gently. "Like you said, you can't just keep waiting for him to-" Louis flinches before he can even say the word, but thankfully Harry doesn't say it. He just stops there and pauses, before continuing. "What I mean is, he's with you right now. You have time with him right now. Don't waste it, use it. Tell him everything you've always wanted to tell him, make his remaining time here happy, down to his very last second. Because I think that you stressing out about all of this is taking its toll on not only you, but him too. Think about the positives."

Louis doesn't say anything, just bites his lip and stares at the ground.

"Just consider it, yeah?" Harry says gently.

Louis doesn't respond.

The rest of Harry's visit is spent in silence.

****

Louis manages to convince the nurses to allow him to take Zayn on a walk through the hospital gardens. He settles Zayn into his wheelchair with his oxygen tank, and pushes him through the front doors.

The look on Zayn's face is priceless. 

"Louis," he says quietly, awestruck, "I haven't been outside in ages, how'd you get them to let you do this?!" 

"Eh, it was nothing. My charm and good looks took care of it all, really."

Zayn scoffs and turns around to lightly smack Louis in the stomach. 

Louis never stopped smiling that day.

****

"You were right," Louis grudgingly says to Harry as they walk along a path by a moonlit lake. 

"I know."

Louis rolls his eyes, and Harry just smiles back at him.

"He was really happy today, and so was I. I just...I tried not to think about it for a while. And I tried to make him happy and, it worked, so. Yeah."

Harry's eyes are shining with pride. "That's fantastic Lou, I'm so glad."

"And, I also wanted to say, uhm, thank you? For helping me out? Because, I feel so much better and. I think he does too. And it's all because of you, so, thanks."

Harry stops walking and takes Louis' hand in his. "S' what I'm here for."

****

"Louis, you should go home."

Louis blankly stares at Liam in the hallway in front of Zayn's room. "What?" 

"You need to go home, Louis."

"Zayn needs me here, Liam, I'm not going anywhere."

"No, but Louis-"

"Don't 'but Louis' me. You fucking know that yesterday he almost d-" His voice shakes.

Liam looks at him with his sad brown puppy eyes. "Lou-"

"Liam I don't want to fucking hear a word you have to say right now. If I hadn't fucking been there when he had that attack who knows what could've happened to him," his voice begins to waver and his vision blurs. "I'm not fucking going anywhere. Not until this ends, one way or another."

Liam continues anyways. "Louis, just for today. You have to shower-"

"I've been washing my hair in the sink!"

"-and eat properly-"

"Hospital food is actually really really good, Li, you should try it!"

"-and get a good sleep too-"

"I've been sleeping fine!"

Liam sighs. "I swear I'll be here while you're gone to make sure he's alright."

"Fuck no, Liam, I told you I'm not fucking leaving this building." Louis' voice is getting louder with every word. He feels detatched from his body. It isn't his brain that's making him speak; his body is being taken over by his emotions, by his white hot anger. He has no control.

"Louis this isn't healthy-"

"Liam," Louis attempts to say calmly, "Shut. The. Fuck. Up."

"I'm just trying to help, Lou," Liam says gently. "I'm just as torn up about this as you are, we all are. We know this isn't easy, but, you know that he hasn't got much time left. I know you've been hoping that he'll get better, but," he pauses, and takes a deep breath. "he's going to-"

"No," Louis says firmly, seeing red, "Don't you dare fucking say it."

"Louis, I'm really really sorry," Liam is close to tears himself, "but you have to accept it. And you have to take care of yourself."

There's silence for a few seconds. And then: "Get the fuck out of here." 

Liam seems startled. "Excuse me?"

"I said, get the fuck out of here," Louis says coldly, crossing his arms. He glares at Liam, daring him to argue.

Liam just stares at him blankly for a few seconds before turning on his heel and walking away.

****

"You need to fix it Louis," Harry says to him that night after Louis tells him what happened.

"There's nothing to fix," Louis says emotionlessly. 

Harry gives Louis his 'I'm not taking any bullshit from you right now' look. "You know there is and you know you have to fix it."

"Harry, I don't want to talk to Liam right now, okay? He's given up! It's like he doesn't even care about Zayn anymore!"

Harry wraps a comforting arm around Louis' waist. Louis leans into the touch. "Lou, you know that's not true."

Louis doesn't say anything, so Harry goes on. "Have you ever thought about the fact that Liam is under just as much stress as you are right now?"

Louis still doesn't respond.

Harry sighs. "Liam cares about Zayn just as much as you do. But you're his best friend too, Louis. Of course he's going to be worried about you, especially when you haven't left the hospital in weeks. You guys need to stick together right now, if not for yourselves, then for Zayn. He needs you two, now more than ever. He'll only stress out if you fight, and you know that's not good for him."

Silence.

Harry sighs again, a bit more impatiently this time. "Lou, he only said it because he cares."

Louis nods, leaning into Harry more. Harry grips his waist tighter. "You'll fix it?" he asks.

Louis nods again.

****

When Louis wakes up the next morning, Zayn's still asleep.

Louis steps out into the hallway to call Liam. 

Liam answers the phone, but doesn't say anything.

"I'm sorry," Louis says.

Nothing.

"I know I was being a prick, and I know you just said all of that because you care. I just..." Louis trails off.

After a quick pause, Liam sighs. "Louis, you don't have to explain yourself to me, it's okay. I'm sorry if what I said was a bit pushy yesterday, I'm just...I'm just worried about you."

"Yeah, I know," Louis says softly. 

They're silent for a while before Liam speaks again. 

"Please Louis, just go home and rest for a few hours. I'll stay with Zayn today."

Pause.

"Okay. Yeah, okay."

****

When Louis returns to the hospital that evening, Zayn's doing absolutely fine. In fact, he, Liam, and Niall are watching a football match and yelling at the tv screen when Louis walks in. 

Louis just breathes a sigh of relief, and goes to set his things down before collapsing into his chair to join them. 

****

"Why do the worst things always happen to the best people?"

Harry contemplates this question for ages, wearing a very deep-in-thought expression on his face. "Because," he finally says, "life is a bitch."

Louis can't help but laugh. "Very eloquently stated, Harold."

Harry smiles sheepishly. "I try."

They sit there for few moments. Louis watches Harry for a bit, taking in his profile and his shining green eyes that have never failed him and that beautiful, beautiful smile, and Louis doesn't know what possesses him to say what he says next but he does anyways.

"Harry?"

"Yeah Louis?"

Louis takes a deep breath. "I love you."

Harry whips his head around to face Louis, looking absolutely shocked. Louis quickly continues talking.

"It's weird, isn't it? Because, you're like, a part of me. But. It's different. I feel like you're a whole other person Harry, you're...you're just brilliant. And you've helped me so much for so long, you've always been here for me, and I can't even describe how much you mean to me. I don't know how I love you, or why. All I know is that you're one of the most important people in my life right now. Without you, I don't know what I'd do with myself."

Harry just stares at him with that surprised expression on his face for quite a while before he comes to his senses. He turns around and faces away from Louis, and doesn't say anything. Louis looks down at his feet, feeling embarrassed and hurt and disappointed.

But then. "I love you too."

Louis' breath catches in his throat. He freezes, before a tide of overwhelming happiness hits him square in the face; he's buzzing with it. 

He looks up to tell Harry how happy he is, how happy Harry's just made him, that he hasn't been this happy since before Zayn's diagnosis.

But Harry's gone.

****

"You know what I really miss?"

"Hmm?" Louis says, looking up from his twitter feed. Zayn is pursing his lips thoughtfully.

"Burgers."

Louis' lips twist into a sad sort of smile. "I'd bring you one if I could, but you know you can't eat that stuff right now." Zayn can barely even get crackers down his throat, how could he possibly eat a burger?

"Yeah, I know. But a guy can dream, right?" Zayn says in his quiet voice, attempting to play it off as a joke. Louis, though, can hear the pang of sadness in his tone.

He looks at his skinny, fragile friend, thinking about the fact that he's getting weaker and weaker each day.

He swallows thickly and turns back to his phone.

****

"I want to get Zayn a burger."

Harry raises his eyebrows at Louis questioningly.

"He told me today that he wants a burger. One stupid bloody stinking burger, and I can't even give it to him."

To Louis' surprise, tears of frustration start welling up in his eyes. "One, simple burger," he says, voice shaking. "I can't even get that for him because he's too sick to eat it Harry!"

"Shhhh," Harry soothes him, rubbing his back. Louis' sniffling turns into whimpering, which escalates into full-on sobbing. 

Harry just lets him cry, holding him in his arms and comforting him the entire time.

Louis finally sits up with a sniffle, still leaning into Harry's side. "He doesn't have much time left, I don't think," he says quietly.

Harry just pulls him closer.

****

Louis is texting Niall when it happens.

He hears a sharp intake of breath come from Zayn's bed, followed by a horrifying, painful-sounding gasp, and then Zayn is violently coughing, retching so hard that it sounds like he's going to vomit up his insides. Louis practically throws his phone aside, jumps up out of his seat and goes to hit the call button, like he did the last time this happened.

Somehow though in the back of his mind, he has a feeling, with tears prickling in his eyes, that this time won't go as well as the last.

He bites back the tears and grabs Zayn's hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "Zayn, I love you so much okay don't worry, you're going to be fine, I love you, you're going to be okay-"

Zayn is coughing and coughing and it doesn't stop. He's gripping Louis' hand tightly, looking up at Louis with nothing but pure panic in his eyes, as if he just knows that this is it, and he's absolutely terrified. Louis presses his lips together, trying his very hardest to hold back the urge to sob as the nurses rush in. He presses kisses to the back of Zayn's hand and continues muttering support and 'I love you's. 

But.

They're only just beginning to work on him when Zayn's grip on Louis' hand loosens.

Louis looks up at Zayn's face desperately, hoping that what he's been dreading for months isn't actually happening.

Zayn's eyes soften fondly at Louis, and Louis knows Zayn well enough to immediately understand what he's trying to say. That's what Zayn's eyes look like when he says "I love you." He knows that if Zayn could speak in that moment, he'd be telling Louis that he loves him.

He gently squeezes Louis' fingers again, but this time, it's like he's the one reassuring Louis, rather than the other way around.

And then with one tremendous wheeze, there's silence.

Louis watches the light in Zayn's eyes fade.

No.

Louis squeezes Zayn's hand tighter, waiting for him to press back. He doesn't.

And then.

"No no no Zayn please," he whispers. "Zayn." He shakes Zayn's shoulder. "Zayn!" he says louder, almost shouting now. "ZAYN!" 

Nothing.

"ZAYN PLEASE MOVE PLEASE SAY SOMETHING HOLY FUCK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD-"

The doctor rushes in. 

"-GODDAMMIT ANSWER ME, YOU CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW PLEASE NO-"

"Calling time of death at-"

"-NO HE'S NOT DEAD DOCTOR DO SOMETHING HE'S STILL ALIVE JUST PLEASE-"

Two sets of hands grip his shoulders, but he just holds onto Zayn's hand tighter.

"-NO STOP DON'T DO THIS HE'S ALIVE DON'T DO THIS I NEED TO STAY WITH HIM HE NEEDS ME-"

His hand is wrenched from Zayn's now-limp one.

Louis is thrashing, he's kicking and crying and shaking violently, he doesn't know up from down or left from right, all he knows is that Zayn is NOT dead, he just isn't and he can't be.

The last glimpse he gets is of the doctor gently closing his eyes, and the nurses lowering a sheet to cover his body.

The hands pull him out of the room and let go of him once they're in the hall; Louis has no idea who they belong to and doesn't care. He's swaying and is very dizzy and feels like there's an extremely good chance that he's going to vomit all over the floor.

His best friend just died right in front of his eyes.

He sinks to the floor, crumpled up and broken, sobs wracking through his entire body.

That's it then.

Zayn's gone.

****

Niall and Liam react just like Louis did.

They outright deny that Zayn's dead, demanding to see him and claiming that it's an impossibility.

And then they see Louis sobbing on the floor and it hits.

The three of them end up clinging to each other for dear life, crying and crying until there are no tears left to cry. They hold on to each other as if they're afraid that one of them is going to disappear like Zayn did, quicker than smoke disappears into the air.

****

Harry doesn't come to visit Louis that night.

Louis is in the dark. He's in a pitch black room and he's crying, screaming for somebody to come find him, for somebody to comfort him and make the dark go away. He's crying for Harry to light up the room like he always does, for Harry to come find him and hold him and kiss his tears away.

Harry never comes and Louis is in the dark. 

****

Louis wakes up delirious, in a frenzy.

How fucking DARE Harry leave him the night he needed him the most, how DARE he leave him for the first time ever since the first night they spent together, how DARE he leave him when Louis loves him with everything he's got and needs him like he needs the air that he breathes.

Louis cries that morning, not only because he lost Zayn, but because he lost Harry too.

****

He needs to get out and go far away. He needs to get out of the flat that he and Zayn used to share because Zayn isn't there anymore, Zayn is gone and is never coming back. 

He doesn't even have Harry anymore. He lost Zayn, he lost Harry, he's losing EVERYONE. He needs to get out.

They won't be there to help him and support him and be there for him anymore. He has nothing.

He grabs his wallet and pulls on a pair of shoes, running out the door and slamming it shut behind him.

Louis might not be dead, but he thinks that this is what it'd feel like if he were.

****

He doesn't make it two blocks before he walks right into someone in the middle of the sidewalk. He gasps and wipes the tears off of his face, and looks up to apologize.

Standing in front of him is a boy with golden brown curls, a boy with bright green eyes that shine like diamonds. A boy who is absolutely, painfully beautiful.

Louis' jaw drops.

Louis knows this boy.

This boy is Louis' sun, his light, the personification of anything and everything that shines. He embodies everything that is good in the world, Louis' certain of it.

Louis is just standing there gaping at him.

This cannot be real, Louis must be going insane. This can't be him, this can't be the boy from his dreams, this can't be the boy he spent every night with for almost an entire year.

And yet, there he is, standing right in front of Louis, with the exact same shocked expression on his face that he wore when Louis told him he loved him.

"H-Harry?" Louis manages to say in a strangled squeak, barely louder than a whisper. 

Louis is fully prepared for the boy to look at him weirdly, to be confused and to tell him that no, Harry wasn't his name and that he'd never met Louis before so toodleloo and have a nice day.

But instead, the boy squints, as if he can't believe his eyes, and says, "Louis?"


	2. Chapter 2

They’re standing there, on the sidewalk, gaping at each other.

“Harry,” Louis finally manages to say, taking a step towards him. “Harry – are you the same one that – I mean – “

“Yeah,” Harry says kind of breathlessly, eyes wide, mouth open in awe. “Yeah, I – I am.”

“But how did -- ?”

“I don’t know.”

“This doesn’t – “

“Make sense?”

“Y-yeah. Exactly.”

Harry lets out a breathy laugh, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “How is this happening? I can’t believe this is happening.”

“You’re one to talk,” Louis says, smile slowly breaking out across his face, “I’m-I’m the one who’s been talking to you in my sleep.” People are muttering angrily at them for being in the way, shoving against them as they walk by, but neither boy moves.

Harry raises his eyebrows. “You haven’t realized?”

Louis’ heart practically stops. “Realized? Am I supposed to have realized something?”

Harry bites his lollipop-red lip. “You haven’t, then.”

“Stop beating around the bush, you know I don’t like that.”

Harry snorts. “Yeah, I actually do. Know that. Um.”

Louis presses his lips together and makes a waving motion with his hand to tell Harry to get on with it.

“Oh my, where to start?” Harry says quietly, as if he’s muttering to himself and not to Louis. Then he pauses and looks up at Louis with shiny eyes. “I don’t think I can tell you everything right now.”

Louis’ mouth drops open a bit. “What do you mean you can’t tell me everything? I’ve been thinking, all this time, that you’re a fucking figment of my imagination, and all of a sudden I run into you on the street and you’re not giving me an explanation?!”

Harry sighs. “You’re really stubborn, you know that? Just as stubborn as you are when you’re asleep. You didn’t let me finish talking.”

Louis just gives him a look.

“So, as I was saying,” Harry continues with a smile on his face. “I can’t explain everything to you right now, like this. So how about instead, I take you out to get some coffee, and then we can talk?”

Louis let’s out a huge breath of relief. “Actually, I think – I think I’d like that. A lot.”

****

They’re siting at a small table in the back of some obscure coffee shop that Harry swears “has the best biscuits in London.” Louis doesn’t give a fuck about the biscuits, but he doesn’t say so because Harry’s got this smile on his face and Louis doesn’t want it to go away.

Louis takes a deep breath, hands wrapped around a mug of steaming coffee. “Okay. Talk.”

Harry nods, leaning back in his chair. “I’m going to tell you absolutely everything I know. But, you can’t interrupt me. Please. It’s important that you get the entire explanation before you ask questions.”

Louis nods rapidly.

“Promise?” Harry prompts, an unusually serious look in his eyes.

“Yes, yes I swear.”

Harry swallows thickly. “Okay. Good. Thank you. I’m going to start from the beginning then.

“The very first time I saw you, I was asleep too.”

Louis’ eyes nearly pop out of his head, but he keeps his lips pressed together, determined to keep his promise.

“I was dreaming, and I don’t know. I didn’t think much of it the first time. It was kind of strange though, I just saw you, this beautiful, beautiful boy – “  
Louis tries very hard not to blush here.

“ – and you were crying, you were crying so hard because your best friend had just been diagnosed with cancer. And I just did what I would’ve done if this had happened when I was awake. I talked to you about it, I comforted you,” Harry says gently, and pauses.

Louis closes his eyes for a bit, feeling another sudden wave of emotion almost overcome him at the mention of Zayn. He grips the edge of the table hard, and nods for Harry to continue.

“And when I woke up, I felt…strange, and kind of upset. Because it all felt so real. But I convinced myself that it was just a dream, and that was that.

“But then, I saw you again the next night, and you had remembered everything that had happened the night before, and I knew that this couldn’t just be a normal thing.

“And then I kept seeing you every night, every single night. And I knew there had to be something else going on. Something bigger than just a dream.

“But I didn’t really try to question it, and just kind of went with it. The way you did.

“I didn’t know if you were real or not, I honestly didn’t think so. I just thought that something really weird was happening, with me.

“But then, one night, we had a conversation that revealed everything.”

Louis can’t help himself. “I know which one, it was – it was the one where I told you about seeing you in my dreams. And about – about how I thought you were completely in my head,” he whispers.

Harry nods. “And when you said that, I just – I didn’t know what to say back, because that’s exactly what I’d been thinking this entire time.

“And I got to thinking, and it all just came together. Of course, I considered the possibility that I was completely insane, but I felt like this wasn’t just my insanity, or anything like that. Something felt real about this, something felt important.

“And I realized – you were another boy, on the other side. You were real. Somewhere out there, you were really going through everything you always told me about, that you were another living, breathing, human being. And you were dreaming too, about me, the way I’ve been dreaming about you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Louis whispers, “We could’ve met up before now, we – we could’ve – “

“Because,” Harry interrupts softly, “Because you had bigger problems to deal with, Louis. I wasn’t going to tear you away from your best friend when he needed you the most. And, wait, why are you out right now? You’re usually at the hospital during the day, yeah? Shouldn’t you be with Zayn, or did Liam take over again? Oh fuck, am I keeping you from going back right now? I should – ”

Tears are welling up in Louis’ eyes. “But – he’s – he doesn’t need me, Harry. Not anymore. He – it’s over. He’s gone.”

Harry’s eyes widen. “What?”

“Zayn, he – he – “

Louis can’t speak, his breathing is getting faster and faster and he’s breathing so fast that he can’t get any words out, but before he starts sobbing, Harry’s hand shoots out and takes his.

He squeezes gently. “Breathe, Louis. Please, breathe. I’m here, breathe.”

Louis nods, forcing him to slow his breath.

“Yesterday?” Harry asks gently, nothing but pure sincerity shining in his beautiful, beautiful eyes.

Louis nods again, wiping his nose with a napkin.

“Oh Lou,” Harry says gently, squeezing his hand again. Louis just squeezes his eyes shut. “Haz, I don’t really want to talk about that right now.”

Harry nods slowly. “Of course, I completely understand. Just know that if and when you do want to talk about it, I’m here for you.”

Louis freezes, furrowing his eyebrows. He has a sudden déjà vu, from the night before, when Harry was nowhere to be found.

He snatches his hand back. “But you weren’t, is the thing,” he snaps coldly.

Harry’s eyes are bigger than quarters now, Louis’ sure of it. He opens his mouth to say something, but Louis interrupts him. “You – I waited for you, last night. I needed you, I needed someone to be there to listen to me, after everything that happened yesterday.”

“Louis – “

“I watched him die, Harry. I saw it with my own eyes. I was holding his fucking hand when it happened.”

“Louis please, please listen to me,” Harry says with so much desperation in his voice that Louis pauses.

“Louis, I couldn’t find you.”

“Excuse me?”

“It was dark, Louis. Everything was black. And I couldn’t see you, or hear you, or anything. I just walked around blindly all night, calling your name. You weren’t there. I fucking swear to god, I would’ve been there for you. I wanted to be there for you. I wouldn’t miss being with you for anything, and if I had known, about Zayn – Louis, of course I wouldn’t just leave you.”

Louis lets out a quiet gasp. “Oh god.”

“What, what is it?” Harry says worriedly.

“I – I was the exact thing. It was – it was just dark. And you weren’t there. And I couldn’t find you.”

Harry just stares at him, eyes wide and mouth hanging open, a mirror image of what Louis is sure his own face looks like.

Another pause.

“I was so scared, Harry, that you’d left me. That I’d never see you again,” Louis says finally, looking down at his lap.

When Louis looks back up, Harry’s smiling at him, with something that looks like fondness in his eyes. “I’m here now, aren’t I?”

Louis nods, returning Harry’s smile timidly.

“And I promise you, that won’t happen again. I’m going to be here. We – I don’t know how this is going to work. But, I’m going to be here for you. I’m not leaving you.”

Louis just looks at him.

“Um. If – if that’s okay, of course. I wouldn’t want to impose or anything, if, you know, you didn’t want that.” Harry’s blushing now, he looks so embarrassed and it’s so, so endearing.

“No, Harry, I – of course I want that, why wouldn’t I want that?”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, completely. I want you. I’ve always wanted you, I think, from the very first time you showed up in my dreams. Um. Like I said, that one time. I – I love you. And, in a more-than-friends way, I think. No, I know.” Louis’ blushing like mad, heart pounding in his chest, and he thinks he just may collapse. Too many emotions, much too many for one conversation.

But then Harry’s face breaks into a grin, a massive, massive grin, and his eyes are just so luminous and wow, Louis’ heart is just so warm all of a sudden and Louis wants to be able to make him shine like that every day and all the time.

“And like I said as well, I love you too.”

****

They’re walking down the street to Louis’ flat, holding hands and feeling giddy, like teenagers. And Louis is laughing, laughing so hard because Harry’s so incredibly sweet and funny and he’s just so, so happy that he’s here right now.

“I can’t believe you actually just said that. That was awful.”

“It’s a funny joke!”

“No, it isn’t Harry! It’s the worst joke I’ve ever heard!”

Harry just pouts in response. Louis laughs some more.

Once he’s pulled himself together, he squeezes Harry’s hand. “So, you live here in London too?”

Harry nods. “Yeah, not far from where you said you live, actually. It’s a miracle we haven’t run into each other before, honestly. We go to the same Tesco’s and everything.”

Honestly, how the fuck did any of this happen at all?

“Well, I’m just glad I found you at all,” Louis says quietly, and Harry blushes.

By now, they’re at Louis’ flat, and Louis unlocks the door, good mood evaporating.

The door swings open, and it’s dark, so dark inside. Louis just stands there at the doorway, staring. Hints of cigarette smoke tickle his nostrils, and a feeling of dread pools in his stomach.

He doesn’t want to go inside.

“Louis?” Harry asks, looking concerned. “Are you alright?”

But Harry’s with him this time, and with Harry here, he shouldn’t be afraid. He’ll be fine. Harry hasn’t left him.

Louis nods, sucking in a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m fine. Um. Come on in.”

He steps inside tentatively, Harry right behind him, and flicks on the light switch.

He gasps at the sight, though he shouldn’t be very surprised.

He’d been too upset to look around when he got home last night, after he finally left the hospital. All he wanted was to get to sleep so that he could see Harry. So he hadn’t really paid attention to the living room.

Zayn’s Vans are sitting there, by the door. Zayn’s hoodie is draped over the back of the couch. Zayn’s pack of cigarettes is sitting on the coffee table, Zayn’s snapback next to it. Zayn’s Incredible Hulk boxers are draped over Louis’ Converse – which are sitting right next to Zayn’s shoes – and Louis remembers Zayn putting them there as a joke, to piss Louis off.

It smells like Zayn’s cologne inside. Zayn’s everywhere. And Louis gasps, shaking, and doesn’t think he can hold it in this time.

He’s crying, sobs shuddering in his chest. Just like last night.

But, this time, Harry’s arms are around him, leading him to the couch. Harry is whispering in his ear, whispering that he’s there for him and that everything will be okay. Harry is holding him in his lap as he cries, telling him that he can let it all out and that it’s okay, and Louis just can’t grasp anything that’s happening around him, he can’t understand any of it.

Louis cries and then cries some more, cries until his chest hurts and his nose is stuffed and his throat is sore.

And when he can’t cry any longer, his eyes get droopy and his muscles are limp and he’s suddenly so, so exhausted. And he looks up at Harry with a question in his eyes, and Harry just nods and presses a kiss to his forehead. “Go to sleep, love. I’ll be here when you wake up this time, I promise.”

And just like that, Louis’ eyes fall shut, and he’s gone.

****

Louis dreams that he’s standing on a bridge overlooking a city.

There are lights everywhere, all around. It’s dark on the bridge, though, and Louis kind of likes it. It’s quiet. And he feels like he’s apart from it all, which should make him feel lonely, but instead feels really, really nice.

He leans on the railing, looking down at cars passing by, the size of ants, and signs flashing with advertisements and brightness everywhere. He thinks it might be New York City. He likes New York City.

Zayn loved bridges. He always, always talked about how he felt on top of the world when he was on a bridge, would always look down in awe at the nothingness below, the fact that one step could send him plummeting over the edge exciting him. He felt in control when he was on a bridge. He felt like he was the sole decider of his fate. He felt like he was somewhere else, somewhere away from reality.

Louis thinks that his subconscious is taunting him, by dreaming up a bridge.

Harry’s not here, but Louis’ not worried. He knows that Harry’s on the other side this time. And that’s fine with him, more than fine actually.

A cool breeze ruffles Louis’ hair, and Louis breathes in deeply. He feels so relaxed; not happy, exactly, but relaxed. Stress-free, for once.

But then something cuts through the silence.

“Hi.”

Louis swallows thickly. His subconscious is really taunting him now. He’s hearing voices, he’s hearing –

“Louis?”

Louis forces himself to look down at the lights and at the lights only, to not turn around. He’ll only be disappointed if he does.

He suddenly really wants to wake up. He thinks this might be a nightmare.

“Louis, it’s me. Please.”

Louis squeezes his eyes shut, and wills for this to stop. He counts to ten and holds his breath, but when he opens his eyes, he’s still on the bridge, he can still see all the lights, and he can hear someone’s feet scraping against the ground behind him.

“Can you hear me? I don’t know how this works. I’m – it’s me. Don’t ignore me, please.”

Louis swallows thickly, tears welling up in his eyes, and shakes his head. “This is a joke, isn’t it? Stop.”

“It’s not a joke. Please look at me.”

The sincerity in the voice makes tears trickle down Louis’ face.

He closes his eyes again, and turns around to face where the voice is coming from. “I don’t want to look. I’m scared.”

Someone’s hand gently comes to rest on his arm. It’s feels warm, it feels real. And this can’t actually be happening. “Don’t be scared, Lou. Come on. Open up.”

Slowly, Louis opens his eyes, and then falls to the ground when he sees who’s standing before him.

He’s hyperventilating, curled up into a ball, tears flowing down his face now. “No, no, no, no, stop, please.”

He hears footsteps coming even closer, coming to kneel down next to him. Fingers gently tap underneath his chin, willing him to look up.

Louis looks up to see shimmery hazel-brown eyes, long and dark eyelashes, and floppy black hair.

“Oh my god,” Louis says through his sobs, and jumps forward, throwing his arms around Zayn’s neck. “What the fuck, Z, what the fuck?!”

Zayn’s sniffling into Louis’ neck, and then he lets out a wet laugh. “We’re squatting on the floor and hugging, Lou. This is awkward. Get up, c’mon.”

Zayn stands up and pulls Louis to his feet. “Leave it to you to be worried about looking awkward at a moment like this,” Louis mutters before he surges forward and latches his arms around Zayn’s neck again. “Z-Zayn, wh-what is this? How are you here? You can’t actually be here!” He’s sobbing, sobbing so hard, and Zayn is rubbing his back gently, soothingly. “Now, now, Lou, no need to cry, please. I’m here.”

Louis doesn’t let go of Zayn’s solid, real, warm, alive body until his violent sobs have been reduced to quiet sniffles.

Even when he pulls back, though, he holds onto Zayn’s forearm, gripping it tightly. Zayn looks – well, healthy. His hair is back, all of it. He’s not skinny, like the last few days, he’s healthy and muscled again and his dark skin is shiny and beautiful the way it used to be, and his eyes are bright and there and wow, Louis’ fucking crazy, how.

“Zayn, how? What – why? What’s happening? How are you here? Is this actually you?”

Zayn nods. “Yeah, it’s actually me. I’m – it’s me. Or, me post-mortem,” he says with a chuckle.

Louis glares at him. “Too fucking soon, Malik, don’t joke about this shit.”

Zayn rolls his eyes. “Sorry, sorry. But. Yeah. It’s me. And I know you’re thinking that you’re imagining this. You aren’t.”

“How, though? How are you here?”

Zayn shrugs. “Because I am.”

“How? Honestly?”

“I can’t really say.”

“You can’t, or you won’t?”

Zayn tilts his head. “A bit of both.”

“Please, Zayn. Are you alive, somehow, somewhere? Tell me everything!”

Zayn grimaces. “No, I’m not. I’m just…here. In your dream. I can’t say any more, though.”

“Why not?”

“Because, it’s a rule. I just can’t. And, if I want this to continue, I can’t break any rules.”

“Continue? As in…..As in, you’re going to be doing this often? Like, I’ll get to see you? When I’m asleep?”

Zayn just smiles at him, eyes getting all crinkly at the corners.

“Holy shit, are you fucking kidding me?!”

Zayn shakes his head, eyes looking suspiciously wet, even though he’s still beaming.

“Every night?”

Zayn shakes his head once more. “Only sometimes. And it’s not up to me to decide. I…I can’t say exactly when. It might be a while between visits, but, yeah. This won’t be the only time.”

“Oh my god Zayn, how? I’m so fucking happy to see you, I just can’t describe this right now.”

Zayn shrugs again, eyes twinkling. “I’m so happy to see you too, Louis. I just – I don’t know. Thank you, for everything you did for me. I – “

“Don’t, please. I don’t like talking about before.”

“I’m really sorry,” Zayn says, “I’m sorry for putting you through that. And I know you don’t want to hear it, but I just have to tell you how thankful I am – or, was – to have a friend like you.”

Louis shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry, really. It was my choice to be there for you. Let’s not talk about this right now. You’re here and that’s what matters.”

Zayn suddenly pulls Louis into another hug. “I love you,” he mutters into Louis’ shoulder, and Louis squeezes his eyes shut, breathing in Zayn’s familiar scent – a combination of cologne and cigarette smoke – as a few tears spill through his eyelids. “I love you too.”

****

“I saw him,” Louis breathes when he opens his eyes and feels Harry’s arms around him. “Zayn. He was – he was there.”

Harry’s eyebrows shoot up.

Louis scooches off Harry’s lap so that he can face him. “Zayn was in my dream, Haz.”

Harry just stares at him, a different sort of light shining in his eyes. “Oh my gosh, Louis, that’s – that’s incredible. Was it like, when you saw me? Or was it an ordinary dream?”

“No, it was – it was real. He told me. It was like, with you.”

Harry grins, and wow, Louis’ overcome with this rush of sudden happiness because he knows this boy and it’s ridiculous because he only existed in Louis’ dreams, but he knows him so well, after months and months and now he’s just in his life and he feels incredible.

“That’s fantastic, Lou,” Harry says softly.

And Louis smiles at him.

And he thinks things might be okay.

****

Harry stays over that night. And the night after that. And the night after that.

Louis kisses him on the third day, while Harry’s making him breakfast in the kitchen. “I’ve been waiting to do that, for like, forever,” Louis murmurs into Harry’s lips, and Harry laughs, leaning in to kiss Louis again.

****

Harry helps Louis pack away Zayn’s things. They put everything into boxes and pile them up by the door, so that they can go to donate them later -- everything but Zayn’s red beanie. Louis wants to keep that one for himself.

It’s kind of hard at first, but then Louis remembers that Zayn’s still there somewhere, and he’s okay.

****

Louis always asks Niall and Liam if they’ve been okay, how they’ve been holding up. They tell him that they’re alright, that it’s really difficult – obviously – but that they’re alright.

They don’t mention anything about dreams.

Louis doesn’t ask.

****

One day, after a few weeks of Harry sleeping over at Louis’ every other night, Harry asks Louis if he can stay.

Louis says yes.

****

Harry moves in on a Monday. Louis asks him if he’s okay sharing Louis’ room, because he doesn’t want anyone to take Zayn’s room. Harry moving in isn’t replacing Zayn, as his best friend. And he feels like, if Harry took Zayn’s room, it would be like replacing. Louis’ not okay with that.

Harry doesn’t mind, though.

Harry’s lugging in one of his boxes of assorted jumpers, tees, and jeans when he sees Louis puttering around the kitchen, making himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich – he claims that it’s a reward for all of the “hard work” he’s done, helping Harry move in, when he’s done nothing, really – and something just comes over him and he drops the box.

The banging noise startles Louis, and he looks up at Harry with a scared look on his face. The scared expression turns confused, and he’s about to ask Harry if he’s okay, but Harry doesn’t let him.

“Louis, will you be my boyfriend?”

Louis just stares at him.

“I – I want to call you my boyfriend. And I want to be with you like that, all the time, and take you on dates and things. And, I love you. A lot. So. Yeah.”

Louis’ still staring.

“Please?”

Louis looks down at his sandwich, and then back up at Harry.

Then, he drops the peanut butter-covered knife and bounds over to Harry, attacking him with a kiss. “Yes,” he whispers into Harry’s ear, and Harry’s answering smile is brighter than a thousand suns.

****

three years later

****

Louis hasn’t seen Zayn since the first time he visited.

He feels like he should be worried, but he isn’t. He knows he’ll return eventually.

And this is what he’s thinking about as Harry wraps his right arm around his waist, as they’re standing on top of a bridge in London. His cold engagement ring burns into Louis’ skin, and Louis feels butterflies erupt in his stomach as he plays with his own, twisting it around his finger.

Louis rests his head on Harry’s shoulder, and smiles to himself.

He’s really, definitely okay.

****

When Louis falls asleep that night, he finds himself lying in the middle of a grassy field that looks very familiar.

He turns his head and sees Harry lying there next to him with his eyes closed, and jumps up.

“Harry?”

Harry’s eyes snap open. “Louis?”

They stare at each other for a bit.

“Is this real?” they both blurt out at the same time, and laugh afterwards.

“Yeah, I think so,” Harry answers for both of them, smiling at Louis with nothing but love in his eyes.

Louis returns his smile. “Just like old times, eh?”

Harry ducks his head. “Yeah,” he says in a happy voice. “I think we’ve been in this field before, too. Back when we thought we didn’t exist.”

Louis looks up, at the stars, and nods. “Yeah, I think so too.”

“So do I,” another voice says from behind them, a voice that belongs to neither Louis nor Harry.

A smile breaks out on Louis’ face as he jumps up and spins around, because, is that who he thinks it is?

And then he sees Zayn standing there, hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans the way they always were, and runs to him, crashing into him with a hug. “Zayn! It’s been so long!”

Zayn laughs, squeezing Louis back. “I know, I would’ve visited sooner if I could. But I’m here now.”

Louis turns around to see Harry smiling at the two of them, standing a little ways away. He beckons Harry over with a little wave of his hand, and Harry scurries over to them bashfully. “Zayn, this is Harry, my fiancé,” Louis says proudly, and Zayn nods, smiling at him. “I know who he is, Lou. It’s nice to meet you at last, Harry.”

Harry grins back. “You too, Zayn. You too.”

****

“It’s almost morning, you know,” Zayn says quietly as they sit in the middle of the field, after talking for hours.

Louis looks at him. “When will I see you again?”

“Soon, hopefully,” Zayn says, standing up. Harry and Louis stand up with him.

He pulls Louis into a hug and they say their goodbyes, and then Zayn turns to Harry.

“I arranged for you to be here tonight too, Harry, because I wanted to meet you,” Zayn says to him seriously.

Harry’s eyes are wide.

“You took care of Louis, while he was taking care of me. And that’s something I’m infinitely grateful for.

“I wish I could be at your wedding, but we all know that’s not possible, probably. I just wanted to ask you to promise me that you’ll take just as good care of him in the future as you have so far. Because, I can’t do that anymore, I was never really able to do that really, because of what happened. And I love him.”

Harry nods quickly. “Of course, I’d do anything for him.”

Zayn looks him in the eye for a little while longer before finally stepping back and nodding. “Good. Thank you.”

Harry takes Louis’ hand, and Louis smiles up at him, standing on his toes to press a kiss to Harry’s cheek.

When they look up to say a last goodbye to Zayn, Zayn’s gone.

****

“I’d like to thank you all for coming today,” Louis says to the crowd in the reception room, Harry pressed into his side. “I’m so incredibly thankful that all of you are here to share with us our special day.”

He looks up at his tuxedo-clad fiance -- no, husband, now -- and Harry smiles down at him.

“Oi, stop with the heart eyes! Get on with it!” Niall yells from across the room, tone fond, and everyone laughs.

Harry and Louis blush, and Harry ducks his head behind Louis, using him as a shield. Louis giggles.

“Anyways. I know that my speech,” Louis continues when the laughter dies down, “is supposed to be me telling you all about how Harry and I met, and fell in love, and all of that sappy stuff.”

Louis looks at Harry with a smirk and a twinkle in his eyes. Harry’s eyes shine right back at him, dancing with their secrets, with moments that no one will ever know about.

“I’ll spare you the gory details,” Louis says, earning a chuckle from their loved ones. “But let’s just say that we met in what felt like a dream.”

Somewhere, Zayn smiles.

~fin~


End file.
